Kurama & I ...

Eight whole years and counting ... and I'm going to put ALL of that into this page. Prepare to be bored to death ... read on at your own risk. :P Spam warning too!

Where should I start? From the very beginning? Why not.
Eight years ago ... some time in 1992, my friend brought over some Yu Yu Hakusho LDs and tapes to watch and that's the first time I saw Kurama.
But it was only 3 years ago that everything began, when the local TV station broadcasted the anime. Maybe it was because I finally figured out what they were saying, the LDs and tapes my friend brought along weren't subbed or dubbed. It was only then I figured out just how great Kurama was... 

Do you believe in "Love at first sight"? I don't. I didn't adore Kurama from the first time he showed up in the anime. I was like "... oh, another good-looking guy." As time went by, he switched from my favorite character in Yu Yu Hakusho to my favorite Anime character overall and finally to the one I go totally head over heels. 
I feel my heart beat faster when I see him show up. I find this silly grin on my face whenever he speaks or simply just appear. I can't stop talking about him when I start. I watch the episode in which Kurama appears N times, over and over again. 
What's wrong with me? I don't just -like- him as a character, an anime character, anymore. I love his looks, I love his personality, I love his uniqueness, I love his strengths, his weaknesses, his imperfection which happens to be his perfection.  I love -him-. Him as in a being. 

Wait... a being? 

Is it true that we can fall in love with something that's non-existent? Someone who doesn't exist in real life, in our world, in the third dimension? Looks like it is. Just look at me. You have a living example right here and I'm really not kidding. I'd do almost anything for him. Things that I can do anyway. Spend a lot of money? No problem. Run around looking like an idiot and looking for goods from an anime that ended in 1994? I do that. (Well, it's airing in Japan again now so it won't be too bad ...)  
My whole computer is a Kurama shrine. Icons, cursors, wallpapers, skins and even my Windows Explorer (Internet Explorer too) toolbar skin. All Kurama, all the time. 

But it's not only these kinds of commitment that count. Not only the material goods that I can get my hands on. Not my walls that I can cover with Kurama this, Kurama that. It's the heart. 

So what I'm trying to say here is that he's not just MY FAVE ANIME CHARCTER. He's my favorite 'PERSON'.

What I'm trying to get through here is that ... I'm in love with him. Madly. See, I'm still single. :P Okay, maybe it's because I don't exactly have what a guy would look in a girl at first sight. And not like I care in the first place. I feel like I'm a taken girl. Taken by Kurama. That sounds weird, doesn't it? (I am weird anyway) He isn't even real, I definitely can't show the gorgeous red-head in 3D to my friends and call him my boyfriend. He isn't here to take me out to the movies, dinners, the park, make out ... okay, I'm getting a little out of hand here. Yet I still hope that one day it would come true. I have a feeling that it will. Someday. Maybe when the time comes that I take my final breath ... he will come and sweep me away in his arms. 

Once again, I have to remind you all that I am -weird-.

I have some friends who are also anime fanatics like me, one especially crazy over Omi Tsukiyono from Weiß Kreuz. (We'll call her Noin here, okay? That's her nickname. Uhm, no, not Noin from Gundam W mind you.) We have this roleplay-like thing among us, each of us got a family of our own, with children and of course, the husband. Do you even need to ask who's married to who? I love it when we talk about that when we're free, or when we just feel like it. 

I love fantasizing. I live in a totally different world when I'm alone or when I'm in class. I can drift off in a snap to my dream world where my fantasies come true. Kurama being there waiting for me for lunch at around 11:45AM, or waiting for my classes to end and go home together at 3:30PM.
I do tell Noin that sometimes. Then she'd join me and my craziness and we'd fall over laughing. I wonder if she knows what I say is actually what I do wish for. I'm not joking ... I'm really waiting for that day to come. 

The day when Kurama would return my love.

Did I tell you I'm insane? I think I did... no wait, I only told you I was weird. Does Noin know that I'm serious tho?

So here I am watching the days go by. My non-anime-watcher friends chitchat about real life cute guys, and I just sit there listening with little comment. They just think I've got really high requirements and will never know that I have someone else in mind. Someone who... well, doesn't really fit into the subject. No one in real life could possibly be better than Kurama, or even near. To me at least. 

I feel stupid anyhow. I'm very sure of myself but I still feel stupid. C'mon, no matter what I tell myself, I'm still in love with someone who doesn't exist in the same dimension as me. He's not even real, he's just paper, ink and color. Besides, I'd have to fight thousands of girls (and guys, I wouldn't be too surprised) even if Kurama was real. Would he even glance my way anyway ...? 

I feel rather hopeless sometimes, but I still love him. It seems that no one I know understands my dream. I don't try to hide what I feel, I tell people rather straightly that I love Kurama. Some people take it in a sense that he's just some character I like, or that I find cute, just like another anime characters or idols. Some of them think I'm weird, I'm a freak that I actually LOVE (Yes, I say I LOVE Kurama.) an anime character. I know it is. I know I am. 

But I go on. I've almost never thought of letting go. At least, Kurama and I share something that no one can come between. Maybe that's because no one knows how we share it or what I mean by IT. Kurama might not be here in 'person', but I have a feeling that he ... is ... here. It's probably my posters and wallscrolls in my room. Anyway, it's always a good feeling inside me when I think that Kurama is near... it gives me the strength to carry on. He's like a reason for me to keep going.

It has to be the love that -we- share.  He is my first love and I'm thankful for it. My first love would never be ruined by lies, arguments and the like. It's a great feeling, giving me the sense of trust in it. Our love is as pure as freshly fallen snow. And it will always be like that for as long as it will last.

Which would be forever.

Forever, Fornever. 

Eien ni Aishiteru ... Kura-chan.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Here is a song that I love ... most of you have heard it before I believe. It really keeps me going and the Colored Italics will tell you why.

{Kurayami ni Akai Bara ~ Romantic Soldier ~}

Sa samishisa ni kawaita tamashi yo
[My soul, dried by loneliness]
~ The lonely feeling in my heart, my hope for someone who isn't here ... who I most likely can never find, never touch, never hold...

Sa tatta ima yuki o sakase
[Only now, I send out blossoms of courage]
Marude kurai daichi ni saku
[Blooming in an utterly dark land]
Akai Bara no you ni sa...
[A Red Rose ...] 
Dare mo ga jibun to tatakau SOLDIER
[Everyone has it in themselves to fight like a soldier]
Kurushimi fumikoe ashita o sagasu
[Overcoming suffering, serching for tomorrow]
SOLDIER OF LOVE

Aa nemurazu ni nayanda yoake ni
[From out of a sleepy, worried dawn]
Aa umareta yo atarashii jibun
[A new me is born] 
Kurayami kara noboru asahi
[From Darkness rises the morning sun ]
Ore no mune ni hirogaru...
[Stretching out in my heart] 
Anata o mamotte tatakau SOLDIER 
[You're protected by a figting soldier]
Ai koso kiseki o umidasu chikara
[Indeed love has the power to give birth to miracles]
SOLDIER OF LOVE

Dare mo ga jibun to tatakau SOLDIER
[Everyone has it in themselves to fight like a soldier]
Kurushimi norikoe ashita o tsukame
[Overcoming sorrow to capture tomorrow]
Anata o mamotte tatakau soldier
[You're protected by a figting soldier]
Ai koso kiseki o umidasu chikara
[Indeed love has the power to give birth to miracles]
I'M A SOLDIER

~ I long for a Soldier. Someone who'd be there for me. When I listen to this song, it's almost as if it's telling me that if I go on, Kurama will appear before me one day and stay with me forever. He'd be my true Solider. I have faith in that.
So until that day comes, I will carry on ... since he is, and will forever be, my Soldier.

My Soldier of Love.